Middle Childhood...

As I continue on with my story into middle childhood, I am reminded of the feeling of loss that I suffered throughout this stage. I've told the story of Mr. Sanford in another assignment. He was my third grade teacher and most positive influence to this point, who died suddenly at the beginning of my fourth grade year. Not long after, we moved to Louisiana and I struggled emotionally. I was grieving, though my parents nor I even realize it at the time.

Life continued, and shortly after the transition to a new state my brother, Larry, moved in with his father. Growing up Mark, Larry and George were my three closest siblings. I was saddened deeply by his move, because I felt he had betrayed both my mother and me by leaving us for a man who was clearly not a good father. I didn't understand why he would choose that man over my dad, who had raised him and loved him for the past 11 years. I was barely used to the idea of the move when we got a disturbing call late one night, informing us that Larry had been hit by a drunk driver and died at the scene. At this time I was beginning my 5th grade year, and I remember that even the task of going to school felt surreal; everyone mentioning my loss as if it were a puppy that had died. I went through many stages of grief, as did my whole family. Through all of this I began to shut people out and struggle with forgiveness. I was involved in fights in my neighborhood and at school; it is strange for me to think of myself in that state of mind now.

As for my cognitive development I believe myself to have been on track with Piaget's Theory of the concrete operational stage. I also developed physically at a normal rate. My mother was great about making sure I did my school work and got plenty of playtime outdoors. I remember having a great imagination. I think that my mother's push to "play outside" helped me to create moments of spontaneous entertainment, whether alone or with friends. Mom may not have realize it, but this was crucial in my cognitive and social development.

The big struggle for me was emotional and the way I saw myself. I can see that Erikson's theory of industry versus inferiority comes into play. I was fighting everyone in 5th grade, I was trying to make up for the struggles with my own self-esteem. Maybe I was lacking a sense of competence and my self-concept was skewed. I was aggressive and confrontational and peer relations struggled. Fortunately for me my mother was in tune to what was going on. Due to her own grief as well we ended up moving back to Texas by the end of my 5th grade year. She helped me to understand that I had an opportunity for a clean start. We were living closer to family and things just began to feel right again. My mom was working through her own difficulties of losing a child and my brothers and I followed suite. My mother was wonderful to me after the move. I began to see things from her and Dad's perspective and I developed a sense of resiliency that continues to carry me through even today.

I actually vividly remember a dream I had the summer after my 5th grade year. Larry was sitting on the end of my bed talking to me about how great heaven was and how happy he felt. He told me that he wanted me to be happy too. The strange thing about the dream is that I felt like I was watching the interaction from across the room. Larry and I talked and laughed, but I was watching from somewhere else??? Anyway, after that dream I seem to have given myself permission, to be happy again. I never again fought, not to the extent that I had the previous year.

I'm going to stop writing now...I'm exhausted! I don't like to think back on the tough times I gave my mother, while she was in her own state of grief!! I am so blessed that I had a mom who was able to set aside her own grief in order to help me through mine. The coping skills I learned at that age helped me with the loss of another brother a few years later, and is still helping me with the loss of my mother today. To think that when Mom died I had to tap into the very coping skills that she taught me sort of brings it all full circle.