Many changes occurred during my adolescence. I felt pretty alone my 6th & 7th grade years, just after the move back to Texas. However, I was determined to figure out who Ruby really was. This determination came about the time that I made my last move with my parents. We moved to a tiny town, just north of Beaumont, TX. I suddenly went from being a nobody, to being the object of everyone's attention. I contribute that to being the new girl in a town where everyone has been in the same class with each other since kindergarten.
I can definitely see how, as discussed in a previous module, self-esteem is based on what we believe others think about us. During this phase of development I suddenly felt like everyone saw me as a smart, beautiful girl, instead of a nobody. It didn't matter that my clothes weren't name brand or that I lived in a shack (literally). For some reason, no one cared about those things, at least in my perception they didn't. My identity began to form, and I no longer felt confused about who I was as Erikson's Theory states.
We lived in a small cabin on the Neches River that had no heat or air. In the summer we had a little 110 AC unit in the living room window, and in the winter we just opened the oven door for heat. The walls had tiny cracks, and in the winter I could feel the cold air blowing through. One of my favorite memories of my mother is how she would pile homemade quilts on me and then run the iron over the top so that the heat would seep through and warm me. In the mornings she would put my jeans on the oven door to warm them up. She also had a hot breakfast cooked every morning. In looking back, she and my father were more nurturing at this stage of development than any other. Maybe because they had worked through the death of Larry and had a new outlook.
During adolescence I figured out that I really could make good grades if I applied myself. I was also involved in various sports and clubs at school. Things were going great. I did struggle with drinking and sneaking out of my house to go to parties that I had no business at, however that didn't last long. It was during that time that I had the greatest impact during my adolescence. That impact came with the loss of my brother Tommy. It was during that heartache that a teacher from my school reached out to me and shared with me what it meant to have a true relationship with Christ. I knew that I was a Christian, because I had a real experience with Jesus when I was 9, but I didn't really ever understand that He longed to have a personal relationship with me. I decided to grow that relationship with Christ, and in doing so I had to give up some of my closest friends, along with the drinking and parties. It was hard, but I knew it was what I was called to do. My identity was altered by my perception of a role that I felt more accurately depicted God's plan for my life. This fits identity achievement, as defined by Berk (2007, p. 402). I had explored a bit, but in the end had resolved to a certain set of "values, beliefs, and goals," (Berk, 2007, p. 402).
Not long after I began living for Christ I started dating my high school sweetheart, who is now my husband. He actually told me in the 8th grade that he would marry me someday...I thought he was strange for saying that! We began dating our Junior year and were inseparable until the end of our senior year. We broke up and headed off to college, only to find that no one else we dated was right for either of us. He surrendered to the ministry, I saw a new side of him that I hadn't seen before...a man totally in love with Jesus. I found him irresistible and the rest is history!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Middle Childhood...
As I continue on with my story into middle childhood, I am reminded of the feeling of loss that I suffered throughout this stage. I've told the story of Mr. Sanford in another assignment. He was my third grade teacher and most positive influence to this point, who died suddenly at the beginning of my fourth grade year. Not long after, we moved to Louisiana and I struggled emotionally. I was grieving, though my parents nor I even realize it at the time.
Life continued, and shortly after the transition to a new state my brother, Larry, moved in with his father. Growing up Mark, Larry and George were my three closest siblings. I was saddened deeply by his move, because I felt he had betrayed both my mother and me by leaving us for a man who was clearly not a good father. I didn't understand why he would choose that man over my dad, who had raised him and loved him for the past 11 years. I was barely used to the idea of the move when we got a disturbing call late one night, informing us that Larry had been hit by a drunk driver and died at the scene. At this time I was beginning my 5th grade year, and I remember that even the task of going to school felt surreal; everyone mentioning my loss as if it were a puppy that had died. I went through many stages of grief, as did my whole family. Through all of this I began to shut people out and struggle with forgiveness. I was involved in fights in my neighborhood and at school; it is strange for me to think of myself in that state of mind now.
As for my cognitive development I believe myself to have been on track with Piaget's Theory of the concrete operational stage. I also developed physically at a normal rate. My mother was great about making sure I did my school work and got plenty of playtime outdoors. I remember having a great imagination. I think that my mother's push to "play outside" helped me to create moments of spontaneous entertainment, whether alone or with friends. Mom may not have realize it, but this was crucial in my cognitive and social development.
The big struggle for me was emotional and the way I saw myself. I can see that Erikson's theory of industry versus inferiority comes into play. I was fighting everyone in 5th grade, I was trying to make up for the struggles with my own self-esteem. Maybe I was lacking a sense of competence and my self-concept was skewed. I was aggressive and confrontational and peer relations struggled. Fortunately for me my mother was in tune to what was going on. Due to her own grief as well we ended up moving back to Texas by the end of my 5th grade year. She helped me to understand that I had an opportunity for a clean start. We were living closer to family and things just began to feel right again. My mom was working through her own difficulties of losing a child and my brothers and I followed suite. My mother was wonderful to me after the move. I began to see things from her and Dad's perspective and I developed a sense of resiliency that continues to carry me through even today.
I actually vividly remember a dream I had the summer after my 5th grade year. Larry was sitting on the end of my bed talking to me about how great heaven was and how happy he felt. He told me that he wanted me to be happy too. The strange thing about the dream is that I felt like I was watching the interaction from across the room. Larry and I talked and laughed, but I was watching from somewhere else??? Anyway, after that dream I seem to have given myself permission, to be happy again. I never again fought, not to the extent that I had the previous year.
I'm going to stop writing now...I'm exhausted! I don't like to think back on the tough times I gave my mother, while she was in her own state of grief!! I am so blessed that I had a mom who was able to set aside her own grief in order to help me through mine. The coping skills I learned at that age helped me with the loss of another brother a few years later, and is still helping me with the loss of my mother today. To think that when Mom died I had to tap into the very coping skills that she taught me sort of brings it all full circle.
Life continued, and shortly after the transition to a new state my brother, Larry, moved in with his father. Growing up Mark, Larry and George were my three closest siblings. I was saddened deeply by his move, because I felt he had betrayed both my mother and me by leaving us for a man who was clearly not a good father. I didn't understand why he would choose that man over my dad, who had raised him and loved him for the past 11 years. I was barely used to the idea of the move when we got a disturbing call late one night, informing us that Larry had been hit by a drunk driver and died at the scene. At this time I was beginning my 5th grade year, and I remember that even the task of going to school felt surreal; everyone mentioning my loss as if it were a puppy that had died. I went through many stages of grief, as did my whole family. Through all of this I began to shut people out and struggle with forgiveness. I was involved in fights in my neighborhood and at school; it is strange for me to think of myself in that state of mind now.
As for my cognitive development I believe myself to have been on track with Piaget's Theory of the concrete operational stage. I also developed physically at a normal rate. My mother was great about making sure I did my school work and got plenty of playtime outdoors. I remember having a great imagination. I think that my mother's push to "play outside" helped me to create moments of spontaneous entertainment, whether alone or with friends. Mom may not have realize it, but this was crucial in my cognitive and social development.
The big struggle for me was emotional and the way I saw myself. I can see that Erikson's theory of industry versus inferiority comes into play. I was fighting everyone in 5th grade, I was trying to make up for the struggles with my own self-esteem. Maybe I was lacking a sense of competence and my self-concept was skewed. I was aggressive and confrontational and peer relations struggled. Fortunately for me my mother was in tune to what was going on. Due to her own grief as well we ended up moving back to Texas by the end of my 5th grade year. She helped me to understand that I had an opportunity for a clean start. We were living closer to family and things just began to feel right again. My mom was working through her own difficulties of losing a child and my brothers and I followed suite. My mother was wonderful to me after the move. I began to see things from her and Dad's perspective and I developed a sense of resiliency that continues to carry me through even today.
I actually vividly remember a dream I had the summer after my 5th grade year. Larry was sitting on the end of my bed talking to me about how great heaven was and how happy he felt. He told me that he wanted me to be happy too. The strange thing about the dream is that I felt like I was watching the interaction from across the room. Larry and I talked and laughed, but I was watching from somewhere else??? Anyway, after that dream I seem to have given myself permission, to be happy again. I never again fought, not to the extent that I had the previous year.
I'm going to stop writing now...I'm exhausted! I don't like to think back on the tough times I gave my mother, while she was in her own state of grief!! I am so blessed that I had a mom who was able to set aside her own grief in order to help me through mine. The coping skills I learned at that age helped me with the loss of another brother a few years later, and is still helping me with the loss of my mother today. To think that when Mom died I had to tap into the very coping skills that she taught me sort of brings it all full circle.
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