Honestly, I get really excited about middle adulthood. I am not trying to rush my children's growth, but I like the ponder about what their futures hold. I will be 44 when my youngest goes to college. I look forward to having a healthy relationship with both of them in their early adulthood years. We are building that relationship now so that the foundation will be there then. It must be a rewarding feeling to see your children succeed in their goals. I hope that they will be more than I could ever imagine them to be.
Another thing that excites me is how young my husband and I will still be young when our children are out of the house. We were married at 21 and had our first child at 23. Throughout the past 9 years we have grown closer and closer. The difficulties we experienced only solidified our relationship. We have struggled financially most of our marriage, that's what I get for marrying a minister! :) Only in the past year or two have we begun to feel that we aren't treading water anymore. It is a nice feeling. I look forward to the years that our relationship is less about making the bills and keeping up with the kids' schedule, and more about each other. I wonder if my husband and I will have less of a struggle in mid-life because we have such a strong, passionate relationship now.
I guess the thing that worries me the most is just the physical piece. I don't care so much about wrinkles and grey hair. That is just inevitable...I have bad genes, as my husband has already pointed out! :) However, I love being physically active. I work out 4-5 days a week and LOVE it. I am already, at 30, experiencing changes in my abilities, aches, pains, etc... I am worried about losing the drive to be active. I wonder if it is a mind over matter thing; like if I refuse to lose it then I still have it?? Reminds me of Cosby in that video we watched.
Since the time we were married my husband and I felt our number one calling is to raise Godly children. We want to leave a legacy for our children. Not like what we experience in our families growing up, but something that makes them proud to tell stories of their parents, and makes them want to instill that spiritual knowledge into their children as well. If we have already begun this thought process concerning generativity now, maybe Erikson's theory of generativity vs. stagnation will not be as much of a struggle for us.
Whatever the pros and cons may be, I better get ready. It'll be here before I know it!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Bridges crossed and battles won...
I look back at my early 20's and think about the many struggles I had in relationships. I didn't trust people in general. I had many acquaintances that I enjoyed being around, but few significant friendships. The only solid relationship I had was with Chad, my rock. I feel like he pushed me to trust him by proving time and time again that he would not hurt me. As I read about Bowlby's ethological theory of attachment and affect my childhood attachments could have on future relationships, I realize even more how thankful I am for my husband. He held a mirror up in front of me and forced me to see how I push people away. He pointed out to me my lack of trust, and don't get me wrong, that wasn't an easy task for him either. He suffered the grief that I dealt him when he pushed me. All in all, I sit here typing this as we just returned from having dinner at our friends' house where I felt open, trusting, and had a great time telling funny stories of the past. The old Ruby never would open herself up like that. I love the growth that I have experienced since being able to let go and forgive people that have hurt me.
Chad and I make a great team. We share most of the household duties. He and I can read when the other needs a little extra help around the house. Parenting seems to come natural for both of us, but when one of us is having a rough day we just tap out and the other takes up the slack. I couldn't ask for a better marriage. This summer will make 10 years, and we are still passionately in love. We have 2 beautiful children that we cherish. I will be 31 on my next birthday and I am so grateful that I have had the privilege of spending my young adult years married with children, rather than dealing with loneliness or relational transitions and struggles. I feel like my relationship with Jesus and my love for Chad has pushed me to cross many scary bridges and has given me victory over battles that come my way.
Chad and I make a great team. We share most of the household duties. He and I can read when the other needs a little extra help around the house. Parenting seems to come natural for both of us, but when one of us is having a rough day we just tap out and the other takes up the slack. I couldn't ask for a better marriage. This summer will make 10 years, and we are still passionately in love. We have 2 beautiful children that we cherish. I will be 31 on my next birthday and I am so grateful that I have had the privilege of spending my young adult years married with children, rather than dealing with loneliness or relational transitions and struggles. I feel like my relationship with Jesus and my love for Chad has pushed me to cross many scary bridges and has given me victory over battles that come my way.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Adolescence: A happier time
Many changes occurred during my adolescence. I felt pretty alone my 6th & 7th grade years, just after the move back to Texas. However, I was determined to figure out who Ruby really was. This determination came about the time that I made my last move with my parents. We moved to a tiny town, just north of Beaumont, TX. I suddenly went from being a nobody, to being the object of everyone's attention. I contribute that to being the new girl in a town where everyone has been in the same class with each other since kindergarten.
I can definitely see how, as discussed in a previous module, self-esteem is based on what we believe others think about us. During this phase of development I suddenly felt like everyone saw me as a smart, beautiful girl, instead of a nobody. It didn't matter that my clothes weren't name brand or that I lived in a shack (literally). For some reason, no one cared about those things, at least in my perception they didn't. My identity began to form, and I no longer felt confused about who I was as Erikson's Theory states.
We lived in a small cabin on the Neches River that had no heat or air. In the summer we had a little 110 AC unit in the living room window, and in the winter we just opened the oven door for heat. The walls had tiny cracks, and in the winter I could feel the cold air blowing through. One of my favorite memories of my mother is how she would pile homemade quilts on me and then run the iron over the top so that the heat would seep through and warm me. In the mornings she would put my jeans on the oven door to warm them up. She also had a hot breakfast cooked every morning. In looking back, she and my father were more nurturing at this stage of development than any other. Maybe because they had worked through the death of Larry and had a new outlook.
During adolescence I figured out that I really could make good grades if I applied myself. I was also involved in various sports and clubs at school. Things were going great. I did struggle with drinking and sneaking out of my house to go to parties that I had no business at, however that didn't last long. It was during that time that I had the greatest impact during my adolescence. That impact came with the loss of my brother Tommy. It was during that heartache that a teacher from my school reached out to me and shared with me what it meant to have a true relationship with Christ. I knew that I was a Christian, because I had a real experience with Jesus when I was 9, but I didn't really ever understand that He longed to have a personal relationship with me. I decided to grow that relationship with Christ, and in doing so I had to give up some of my closest friends, along with the drinking and parties. It was hard, but I knew it was what I was called to do. My identity was altered by my perception of a role that I felt more accurately depicted God's plan for my life. This fits identity achievement, as defined by Berk (2007, p. 402). I had explored a bit, but in the end had resolved to a certain set of "values, beliefs, and goals," (Berk, 2007, p. 402).
Not long after I began living for Christ I started dating my high school sweetheart, who is now my husband. He actually told me in the 8th grade that he would marry me someday...I thought he was strange for saying that! We began dating our Junior year and were inseparable until the end of our senior year. We broke up and headed off to college, only to find that no one else we dated was right for either of us. He surrendered to the ministry, I saw a new side of him that I hadn't seen before...a man totally in love with Jesus. I found him irresistible and the rest is history!
I can definitely see how, as discussed in a previous module, self-esteem is based on what we believe others think about us. During this phase of development I suddenly felt like everyone saw me as a smart, beautiful girl, instead of a nobody. It didn't matter that my clothes weren't name brand or that I lived in a shack (literally). For some reason, no one cared about those things, at least in my perception they didn't. My identity began to form, and I no longer felt confused about who I was as Erikson's Theory states.
We lived in a small cabin on the Neches River that had no heat or air. In the summer we had a little 110 AC unit in the living room window, and in the winter we just opened the oven door for heat. The walls had tiny cracks, and in the winter I could feel the cold air blowing through. One of my favorite memories of my mother is how she would pile homemade quilts on me and then run the iron over the top so that the heat would seep through and warm me. In the mornings she would put my jeans on the oven door to warm them up. She also had a hot breakfast cooked every morning. In looking back, she and my father were more nurturing at this stage of development than any other. Maybe because they had worked through the death of Larry and had a new outlook.
During adolescence I figured out that I really could make good grades if I applied myself. I was also involved in various sports and clubs at school. Things were going great. I did struggle with drinking and sneaking out of my house to go to parties that I had no business at, however that didn't last long. It was during that time that I had the greatest impact during my adolescence. That impact came with the loss of my brother Tommy. It was during that heartache that a teacher from my school reached out to me and shared with me what it meant to have a true relationship with Christ. I knew that I was a Christian, because I had a real experience with Jesus when I was 9, but I didn't really ever understand that He longed to have a personal relationship with me. I decided to grow that relationship with Christ, and in doing so I had to give up some of my closest friends, along with the drinking and parties. It was hard, but I knew it was what I was called to do. My identity was altered by my perception of a role that I felt more accurately depicted God's plan for my life. This fits identity achievement, as defined by Berk (2007, p. 402). I had explored a bit, but in the end had resolved to a certain set of "values, beliefs, and goals," (Berk, 2007, p. 402).
Not long after I began living for Christ I started dating my high school sweetheart, who is now my husband. He actually told me in the 8th grade that he would marry me someday...I thought he was strange for saying that! We began dating our Junior year and were inseparable until the end of our senior year. We broke up and headed off to college, only to find that no one else we dated was right for either of us. He surrendered to the ministry, I saw a new side of him that I hadn't seen before...a man totally in love with Jesus. I found him irresistible and the rest is history!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Middle Childhood...
As I continue on with my story into middle childhood, I am reminded of the feeling of loss that I suffered throughout this stage. I've told the story of Mr. Sanford in another assignment. He was my third grade teacher and most positive influence to this point, who died suddenly at the beginning of my fourth grade year. Not long after, we moved to Louisiana and I struggled emotionally. I was grieving, though my parents nor I even realize it at the time.
Life continued, and shortly after the transition to a new state my brother, Larry, moved in with his father. Growing up Mark, Larry and George were my three closest siblings. I was saddened deeply by his move, because I felt he had betrayed both my mother and me by leaving us for a man who was clearly not a good father. I didn't understand why he would choose that man over my dad, who had raised him and loved him for the past 11 years. I was barely used to the idea of the move when we got a disturbing call late one night, informing us that Larry had been hit by a drunk driver and died at the scene. At this time I was beginning my 5th grade year, and I remember that even the task of going to school felt surreal; everyone mentioning my loss as if it were a puppy that had died. I went through many stages of grief, as did my whole family. Through all of this I began to shut people out and struggle with forgiveness. I was involved in fights in my neighborhood and at school; it is strange for me to think of myself in that state of mind now.
As for my cognitive development I believe myself to have been on track with Piaget's Theory of the concrete operational stage. I also developed physically at a normal rate. My mother was great about making sure I did my school work and got plenty of playtime outdoors. I remember having a great imagination. I think that my mother's push to "play outside" helped me to create moments of spontaneous entertainment, whether alone or with friends. Mom may not have realize it, but this was crucial in my cognitive and social development.
The big struggle for me was emotional and the way I saw myself. I can see that Erikson's theory of industry versus inferiority comes into play. I was fighting everyone in 5th grade, I was trying to make up for the struggles with my own self-esteem. Maybe I was lacking a sense of competence and my self-concept was skewed. I was aggressive and confrontational and peer relations struggled. Fortunately for me my mother was in tune to what was going on. Due to her own grief as well we ended up moving back to Texas by the end of my 5th grade year. She helped me to understand that I had an opportunity for a clean start. We were living closer to family and things just began to feel right again. My mom was working through her own difficulties of losing a child and my brothers and I followed suite. My mother was wonderful to me after the move. I began to see things from her and Dad's perspective and I developed a sense of resiliency that continues to carry me through even today.
I actually vividly remember a dream I had the summer after my 5th grade year. Larry was sitting on the end of my bed talking to me about how great heaven was and how happy he felt. He told me that he wanted me to be happy too. The strange thing about the dream is that I felt like I was watching the interaction from across the room. Larry and I talked and laughed, but I was watching from somewhere else??? Anyway, after that dream I seem to have given myself permission, to be happy again. I never again fought, not to the extent that I had the previous year.
I'm going to stop writing now...I'm exhausted! I don't like to think back on the tough times I gave my mother, while she was in her own state of grief!! I am so blessed that I had a mom who was able to set aside her own grief in order to help me through mine. The coping skills I learned at that age helped me with the loss of another brother a few years later, and is still helping me with the loss of my mother today. To think that when Mom died I had to tap into the very coping skills that she taught me sort of brings it all full circle.
Life continued, and shortly after the transition to a new state my brother, Larry, moved in with his father. Growing up Mark, Larry and George were my three closest siblings. I was saddened deeply by his move, because I felt he had betrayed both my mother and me by leaving us for a man who was clearly not a good father. I didn't understand why he would choose that man over my dad, who had raised him and loved him for the past 11 years. I was barely used to the idea of the move when we got a disturbing call late one night, informing us that Larry had been hit by a drunk driver and died at the scene. At this time I was beginning my 5th grade year, and I remember that even the task of going to school felt surreal; everyone mentioning my loss as if it were a puppy that had died. I went through many stages of grief, as did my whole family. Through all of this I began to shut people out and struggle with forgiveness. I was involved in fights in my neighborhood and at school; it is strange for me to think of myself in that state of mind now.
As for my cognitive development I believe myself to have been on track with Piaget's Theory of the concrete operational stage. I also developed physically at a normal rate. My mother was great about making sure I did my school work and got plenty of playtime outdoors. I remember having a great imagination. I think that my mother's push to "play outside" helped me to create moments of spontaneous entertainment, whether alone or with friends. Mom may not have realize it, but this was crucial in my cognitive and social development.
The big struggle for me was emotional and the way I saw myself. I can see that Erikson's theory of industry versus inferiority comes into play. I was fighting everyone in 5th grade, I was trying to make up for the struggles with my own self-esteem. Maybe I was lacking a sense of competence and my self-concept was skewed. I was aggressive and confrontational and peer relations struggled. Fortunately for me my mother was in tune to what was going on. Due to her own grief as well we ended up moving back to Texas by the end of my 5th grade year. She helped me to understand that I had an opportunity for a clean start. We were living closer to family and things just began to feel right again. My mom was working through her own difficulties of losing a child and my brothers and I followed suite. My mother was wonderful to me after the move. I began to see things from her and Dad's perspective and I developed a sense of resiliency that continues to carry me through even today.
I actually vividly remember a dream I had the summer after my 5th grade year. Larry was sitting on the end of my bed talking to me about how great heaven was and how happy he felt. He told me that he wanted me to be happy too. The strange thing about the dream is that I felt like I was watching the interaction from across the room. Larry and I talked and laughed, but I was watching from somewhere else??? Anyway, after that dream I seem to have given myself permission, to be happy again. I never again fought, not to the extent that I had the previous year.
I'm going to stop writing now...I'm exhausted! I don't like to think back on the tough times I gave my mother, while she was in her own state of grief!! I am so blessed that I had a mom who was able to set aside her own grief in order to help me through mine. The coping skills I learned at that age helped me with the loss of another brother a few years later, and is still helping me with the loss of my mother today. To think that when Mom died I had to tap into the very coping skills that she taught me sort of brings it all full circle.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The Early Years
I was born on April 19,1978 to Doug and Margie Nichols. My dad worked as a welding inspector and my mom was mostly a stay at home mom, but at times would work at a burger shop near our home. Money was pretty tight considering I was the youngest of 15. My dad had 3 daughters when he met my mother, who had 11 children of her own. Three years later, and very much unplanned, was the miracle of my birth. Mom loved to tell me how UNPLANNED I was. I'm not sure why she thought that was a funny story for a child to hear. By the time I came along the newness of having a baby was not an exciting thing for my family. According to my sisters, they did most of the feedings, changing, bathing, etc., and in shifts so that it was fair! As I grew, my oldest brother felt the need to take on the disciplinarian role. Considering he was fresh out of the army and knew nothing about rearing children, he was extremely rigid. I was four years younger than my nearest sibling and the rest of them were staggered by a year or just a little more. I spent my early years clinging to whom ever would give me attention at the time. It was usually one of three brothers, who were closest in age, Mark, Larry, or George. They were my knights in shining armor.
Looking back on these years I can see how my start on life has effected me developmentally. There have been many obstacles socially and emotionally that I had to overcome because of my childhood. One thing that bothers me is that I don't have a lot of memories from my childhood. Sometimes I will think I remember something, and then I find a picture of it later. I am left wondering if I really remembered it or if it was really just the picture that I saw. I realize that is odd. It concerns me so much that I have blocked out or forgotten quite a bit of my childhood that I work extra hard to make memories for my own children. I think my childhood effected me socially because I can see a distinctive pattern in my life of surrounding myself with guy friends. I believe that is because the strongest relationships I had as a child were with Mark, Larry, and George. I attribute these relationships to my physical and mental strength as well. They taught me the importance of being strong. For a while in my life that was actually my one of my biggest weaknesses.
In thinking about Erikson's stage of Trust vs. Mistrust I can identify with how this could have been true in my own development. Speaking honestly, I have always had issues with trusting people. I have had few solid friendships. Thank God I married my high school sweetheart, because I may never have put myself out there like that again. Once I do trust though, I am loyal through and through and when hurt I am hurt deeply. Confrontational...wow am I; this is something I've worked on. I came to grips that it is because of my mistrust that I confront...always on the attack, so not to get hurt. I think maybe being passed from care giver to care giver, sister to sister, receiving love and discipline from different people caused me to have some trust issues later on.
My mother did the best she could with the skills she had. She never would have thought that having my sisters take care of me would have hurt me in some way. She was tired, and had a lot on her plate. There were many things she did well; those things just didn't get the spotlight today.
Looking back on these years I can see how my start on life has effected me developmentally. There have been many obstacles socially and emotionally that I had to overcome because of my childhood. One thing that bothers me is that I don't have a lot of memories from my childhood. Sometimes I will think I remember something, and then I find a picture of it later. I am left wondering if I really remembered it or if it was really just the picture that I saw. I realize that is odd. It concerns me so much that I have blocked out or forgotten quite a bit of my childhood that I work extra hard to make memories for my own children. I think my childhood effected me socially because I can see a distinctive pattern in my life of surrounding myself with guy friends. I believe that is because the strongest relationships I had as a child were with Mark, Larry, and George. I attribute these relationships to my physical and mental strength as well. They taught me the importance of being strong. For a while in my life that was actually my one of my biggest weaknesses.
In thinking about Erikson's stage of Trust vs. Mistrust I can identify with how this could have been true in my own development. Speaking honestly, I have always had issues with trusting people. I have had few solid friendships. Thank God I married my high school sweetheart, because I may never have put myself out there like that again. Once I do trust though, I am loyal through and through and when hurt I am hurt deeply. Confrontational...wow am I; this is something I've worked on. I came to grips that it is because of my mistrust that I confront...always on the attack, so not to get hurt. I think maybe being passed from care giver to care giver, sister to sister, receiving love and discipline from different people caused me to have some trust issues later on.
My mother did the best she could with the skills she had. She never would have thought that having my sisters take care of me would have hurt me in some way. She was tired, and had a lot on her plate. There were many things she did well; those things just didn't get the spotlight today.
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